The magic of the ASS column isn't in the writing, it's in the resulting commentary. The ASS recaps his favorite hater comments of 2013.



Photo courtesy of klaus-gensheimer.com

I love retrospectives; looking back on the year gone by and reminiscing on the highlights - and lowlights - of a year that was. 2013 was the very first year of the ASS, a column that was started in February with no big expectations, aspirations or even inspirations for that matter. But for whatever inexplicable reason, people seemed to like it - and hate it - enough to read and share their colorful comments.

What I love most about writing the ASS is not the writing itself; it's the comments, the reactions of you the reader that is truly the magic of the ASS. Although it sometimes makes my blood boil, I take a deep breath, smile and laugh it off. My skin has gotten pretty thick this year, and I have you the reader to thank. So in honor of the haters out there, let's take a look back on 2013 with a selection of ASS columns and my favorite associated hater comments. Ready? Here we go!

One of the first ASS columns is still one of the most popular - 26er or 29er, which was more popular at the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo? The was a lot of constructive criticism, but Tim Daraitis put it best:

"I like how all the pictures of this guy are in front of:
a. Women
b. An old dude.
c. Some guy wearing a denim vest that has a mullet."

The article that cemented the fate of the ASS was Singlespeeds are for Angry People.
Jimbo chimed in with his thoughts.

I heard this one the other day:
"You know how to tell someone rides a singlespeed?"
"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

Why Strava Sucks was extremely popular, with nearly 40,000 views. Many people agreed with my sentiments about how sucky Strava is, but Mark wouldn't be fooled by my elitist drivel.

"This sounds like it was written by just another egotistical elitist ignorant liberal. "Strava sucks because humans cant be trusted to be responsible". I suppose the editor feels the same way about guns. Strava never caused any single person to be irresponsible, it was those irresponsible people that chose it. Did Obama freaking write this garbage? Who ever you are stop posting your elitist drivel."



In the Swiss Army Knife of Bikes, I praise the versatility of cyclocross bikes. However, because I was caught riding a bike with gears, like a senior official in the NSA, the illustrious Rich Dillen did some extensive research and dug up some dirt on me, accusing me of being a "gay football coach". The friendship blossomed from there. Read his article about me. Good stuff.

One of the most colorful comments of 2013 came in response to Electric Mountain Bikes - Friend or Foe? Ken Graham rides an eBike, but that's not all he does.

"I'm a kung fu fitness instructor; I destroy myself and my students every class so I would bet I would beat most riders. I also ride off road with 1kw ebike on trails that I usually never see any one else on. And I use my bike to get to work and training so I have energy for punching and kicking. I am quite sure the universe is a better place because of my ebike. Peace :)"

In A Year Without USA Cycling, virtually everyone agreed with my sentiments - an exceedingly rare occurrence. Mike Bassi captured the feelings of most readers in succinct and pointed fashion.

"I would tell the USAC to go f**k themselves."



Don't "Showroom" Your Local Bike Shop was perhaps one of the most heated discussions of 2013. A lot of free-market economists shared their viewpoints, but a majority defended the LBS. Tom was clearly non-plussed by what I had to say.

"Dude, while i admire your knack for generating a large amount of click revenue, your rants are becoming painfully formulaic… Invent a situation with a character we all can hate… Come down righteously on the populist side of a topic garnered from countless biker forums across the web, Watch the hits as people tangle for the umpteenth time about strava, support your local bike shops, dont ride wet trails, spandex or baggies, pussy paths and trail braiding, etc. etc. please try to come up with something more original that hasnt been tossed around the bike forums for years."

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In Go Adventure, I encouraged people to get out and explore the world by bike. GShock had a friendly reminder for me.

"Don't forget to start your Strava!"

In 560 Miles to Sea Otter the Hard Way, I wrote about my five-day bike adventure up Highway 1 from San Diego to Santa Cruz. Chris Hereford called me out on my lack of singlespeedyness.

"That bar end shifter implies the bike is not a single speed. If you call yourself the "Angry Singlespeeder", you need to ride a singlespeed and you may need to appear to be angry also. Cheater!"

In 650B Wheels, Bottom Bracket "Standards" and Toilet Paper, I ranted about how we as consumers have too much choice, especially with toilet paper. Dalemilu had a suggestion for me.

"Don't know what you are even doing in the toilet paper aisle! It sounds like you would be just as happy with some ripped up pieces of old newspaper taken from the bottom of a bird cage or a leaf from some poison ivy. By the way, is this the first time you have to buy toilet paper? are you just getting out of diapers? Is the disco ball on your head to tight? You just go with what you used last time or if on a budget go with the cheapest, if you are having this much trouble choosing toilet paper no wonder you are upset about everything else. I like the 21st century so I use Charmin w/ Aloe and enjoy sleeping in a real bed indoors. Cheers."



In Flat Tires and Fun Times in Prescott, Arizona, I spent a lot of time at the Whiskey Off-Road wearing the disco ball helmet. Debra Duncan was also quite non-plussed by my presence.

"So this is the freak with the disco ball on his head, walking thru the crowd, desperate for attention."

Listen All Y'all it's a Sabotage was an especially fulminant post - generating 45,000 views - where I made the suggestion that perhaps the reason why people set booby traps in the woods to snare mountain bikers is because they had a bad trail experience with a rude mountain biker. My sarcasm was clearly lost on Doug Nielsen.

"Stick him in the gut with a rusty shank? What the hell? In what was a semi decently written article you lost all credibility whatsoever in a comment just as violent as the attackers. Bad form. You completely lost your argument with BS about endless flogging and stabbing."

In Just Don't Do It, I decided that riding in 122-degree heat during the Tour of California was probably not the best idea. It was the right call. My buddy ended up in the ER with an IV and several bags of fluid. Ryan Brown took a rare piece of wisdom from my musings.

"The next time my wife asks me why I do this bicycle thing in the heat of the Texas summer, I am going to steal your "because I am a stubborn dumbass" line. Thanks."



In Paradise Lost, I said farewell to my old home of San Diego where rampant development and overcrowding is ruining a former paradise. At least I know I can stay with Chadster the next time I visit "The Whale's Vagina".

"You are right, San Diego is the only place in the US where this is happening. I have no idea why any mountain biker would want to live there. Please do move immediately and don't bother returning in the winter when everywhere else is cold, wet, or frozen.

From your posts you would do well in Idaho where there are more angry people like yourself."

In Finding Things to be Angry About, I go on a diatribe about the stupidity of people with their Smartphones and the idiotic concept of texting while driving. Tim Sullivan really enjoyed my rant.

"I read this while driving on the freeway. Made my day."

This 4th of July, Buy Something American Made was my patriotic attempt at supporting American businesses. Apparently Tim believes it's far more patriotic to buy Chinese.

"If I hear one more of you hippie idiots telling me to buy American I'm gonna snap. Its called free trade and it makes each of our lives much, much better. I dont know about you but I'm glad I dont live in a nation that produces the worlds useless crap. I like breathing clean air and having an abundance of non-factory jobs available to me. If another place can do the same quality work for cheaper, then by golly they should be doing it. I dont know about you but I enjoy riding on my American designed, Chinese built 2007 Specialized singlespeed hardtail 26er. Get on my level or get outta my face."

You Are Not a Real Mountain Biker really got some readers riled up. I had no idea people could be so sensitive to the word "poser". Randy Collette was the first person to threaten me with physical violence. Congrats Randy. Stay classy my friend.

"Poser? I will beat the **** out of you."

You're Using the word "Epic" Too Much garnered a lot of great responses, but Jeff Snavely coined a new term describing my column that I've never heard before - "douche-a-palooza". Nice.

"Maybe next week's douche-a-palooza can be about the guys who spend half their day stopping to take pictures of the ride. Because after all, the whole point of the ride is having something to post on facebook when you get home. I don't care of course, but I'm sure you're running out of ideas to make yourself sound interesting."



In Downieville Classic Sheriff's Blotter, I paid tribute to the Mountain Messenger - the oldest weekly newspaper in California - and their hilarious police blotter. I left out one occurrence to protect my reputation, but EpicAndy was kind enough to remind everyone.

"Angry singlespeeder blows every other singlespeeder in attendance in a rare show of agreeability."

To show how insensitive some readers can be, even when I wrote a eulogy to my dearly departed friend, Udo Heinz, after being killed by a bus while riding his bike, in The Sudden Loss of a Dear Friend, Rick V. decided a rather classless opinion was much more appropriate than a simple condolence.

"Sorry but riding on the road is Russian roulette. If you have kids ride dirt. If your value your life ride dirt. If you don't care ride with 2 Ton missiles coming at you from behind with idiots driving them. All due respect but c'mon what's it going to take to make everyone wake up?"

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Photo courtesy of Kitsbow.com

In Rocky Mountain High with Uncle Rico & Friends, I recapped my month-long road trip to Colorado and gave my opinions on the different cities I visited. I guess Bill McGee was really hurt that I didn't like Boulder so much. It's not that Boulder sucked, it's that there were so many other towns that sucked so much less for mountain biking.

"Thanks also for your disparaging words about Boulder. You are correct that it's terrible for mountain bikers, and all of your readers should stay away for sure. The ride you did is pretty much the dumbest mountain bike ride in the Front Range - the one we do when we need a change from the all-dirt all-singletrack stuff that surrounds the roadie silliness you undertook. It's a ride for those Boulder roadies who want to take out their 29er hardtails they got because they wanted to complete their quivers. But yeah, Boulder is terrible for mountain biking. Especially Hall Ranch, Heil Ranch, Betasso Preserve and others - they are all awful and should be avoided."

In My Very First Enduro™, I shared my experience racing at the Mammoth Kamikaze Games. Armed with only my 26" hardtail singlespeed, I needed a legitimate downhill bike if I was gonna have a prayer of surviving, let alone finishing. GT was kind enough to let me demo one of their bikes, so I gave my thoughts on the bike. But I guess Bob Stimson forgot that the name of the website I write for is Mountain Bike REVIEW.

"Wish you had written more about the race, the trails or your experiences and less about how uber awesome the bike was. Did you get compensated for mentioning GT a dozen times?"

Our "Environmental Impact" is a Joke really created a shitstorm of opinions. It was great discussion, but there were several people who were none too pleased by my sentiments. Although I appreciate Fuglio Pea's suggestion for me to change my name, he needs to be a little more creative. RDA doesn't roll off the tongue like ASS does.

"Angry Single speeder needs to changes his name to "Rambling Dumb-ass".

Is Las Vegas the Best Interbke Can Do? yet again asks…well…is Las Vegas really the best Interbike can do? It's a question that gets asked year in and out, yet nothing is ever done about it. Mark R. obviously doesn't understand that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. He just thinks I'm in it for the money, because you know, there's SO much money to be made being a columnist for a mountain bike website.

"What a lazy piece of writing. As you said, this subject has been beaten to death, you are not breaking new ground here, so why write it? Oh yeah, 'cuz you're getting exposure and getting paid - hmmm doing something just for the money and attention, sounds like you'd fit right in here in Vegas."



Even when I say nice things about a place I get haters running me over the coals. In Park City - A Silver Town with Gold Singletrack, The Dickie Machine thinks I'm just a shill for corporate interest. He's not entirely wrong, but come on man. A simian scribe? Ouch.

"What a lame ass puff piece. You're just a shill for Utah, Scott, NICA and Redbull. Why don't you try some constructive journalism. And nice job, you couldn't even help out the guy with his flat. I guess it's all about Numero Uno when it comes to you. Mark Twain is probably rolling over in his pit, having been referenced yet again by this simian scribe. A.S.S? Nah you're the thingy on the other side."

In Cyclocross - The Suck Science, I celebrated the pain and suffering of cyclocross. For once there were no haters of my writing, but there was a reference to herpes, which was a first. Nice work MP.

"Nice article and i'm sure that in southern Cali this could be fun but racing in mud and sand is just above "herpes" on my "fun" list."

You've Got too Much Bike made the suggestion that you'll build more skill and be a better rider if you learn on a rigid bike before full suspension. Although an overwhelming number of people agreed with me - including professional racers who I greatly respect due to their superior bike-handling skills - some people were irate at my suggestion. Matthew Parkes thought I was doing all of it for pure shock value. I don't even think he realized he made a nice pun.

"The ASS's articles are getting worse and worse. It seems he's writing garbage just for pure shock value. Your theory that a beginner is better off on a rigid bike than full suspension bike is pure idiocy. Stop writing, please."

In 5 Things I'm Thankful for this Thanksgiving, I pay homage to all the haters of the ASS. They didn't fail to entertain, as EpicAndy so eloquently showed off his insecurities about people who live in Los Gatos and drive BMWs.

"Ooooh. How hip. Macklemore quotes. Stand back and let the ASS twerk.

Actually, your fan base in Los Gatos will likely enjoy that as long as you don't lean your silly bike up against one of their super important BMWs."

In Spreading Holiday Jeer, I ranted about how rampant consumerism in American culture has ruined a holiday that should be more about giving each other joy and happiness…especially if it involves riding a bicycle. The Dickie Machine jumped to quite a profound conclusion…at least to a mental midget it's profound.

"I was right, you really do hate America!"

So there you have it. 2013 is in the books. Have a Happy New Year and stay angry my friends!


To view all of the ASS's articles, click on his name below.