The Angry Singlespeeder: A Look Back on the Best Haters of 2013

Opinion

In Go Adventure, I encouraged people to get out and explore the world by bike. GShock had a friendly reminder for me.

“Don’t forget to start your Strava!”

In 560 Miles to Sea Otter the Hard Way, I wrote about my five-day bike adventure up Highway 1 from San Diego to Santa Cruz. Chris Hereford called me out on my lack of singlespeedyness.

“That bar end shifter implies the bike is not a single speed. If you call yourself the “Angry Singlespeeder”, you need to ride a singlespeed and you may need to appear to be angry also. Cheater!”

In 650B Wheels, Bottom Bracket “Standards” and Toilet Paper, I ranted about how we as consumers have too much choice, especially with toilet paper. Dalemilu had a suggestion for me.

“Don’t know what you are even doing in the toilet paper aisle! It sounds like you would be just as happy with some ripped up pieces of old newspaper taken from the bottom of a bird cage or a leaf from some poison ivy. By the way, is this the first time you have to buy toilet paper? are you just getting out of diapers? Is the disco ball on your head to tight? You just go with what you used last time or if on a budget go with the cheapest, if you are having this much trouble choosing toilet paper no wonder you are upset about everything else. I like the 21st century so I use Charmin w/ Aloe and enjoy sleeping in a real bed indoors. Cheers.”

In Flat Tires and Fun Times in Prescott, Arizona, I spent a lot of time at the Whiskey Off-Road wearing the disco ball helmet. Debra Duncan was also quite non-plussed by my presence.

“So this is the freak with the disco ball on his head, walking thru the crowd, desperate for attention.”

Listen All Y’all it’s a Sabotage was an especially fulminant post – generating 45,000 views – where I made the suggestion that perhaps the reason why people set booby traps in the woods to snare mountain bikers is because they had a bad trail experience with a rude mountain biker. My sarcasm was clearly lost on Doug Nielsen.

“Stick him in the gut with a rusty shank? What the hell? In what was a semi decently written article you lost all credibility whatsoever in a comment just as violent as the attackers. Bad form. You completely lost your argument with BS about endless flogging and stabbing.”

In Just Don’t Do It, I decided that riding in 122-degree heat during the Tour of California was probably not the best idea. It was the right call. My buddy ended up in the ER with an IV and several bags of fluid. Ryan Brown took a rare piece of wisdom from my musings.

“The next time my wife asks me why I do this bicycle thing in the heat of the Texas summer, I am going to steal your “because I am a stubborn dumbass” line. Thanks.”

In Paradise Lost, I said farewell to my old home of San Diego where rampant development and overcrowding is ruining a former paradise. At least I know I can stay with Chadster the next time I visit “The Whale’s Vagina”.

“You are right, San Diego is the only place in the US where this is happening. I have no idea why any mountain biker would want to live there. Please do move immediately and don’t bother returning in the winter when everywhere else is cold, wet, or frozen.

From your posts you would do well in Idaho where there are more angry people like yourself.”

In Finding Things to be Angry About, I go on a diatribe about the stupidity of people with their Smartphones and the idiotic concept of texting while driving. Tim Sullivan really enjoyed my rant.

“I read this while driving on the freeway. Made my day.”

This 4th of July, Buy Something American Made was my patriotic attempt at supporting American businesses. Apparently Tim believes it’s far more patriotic to buy Chinese.

“If I hear one more of you hippie idiots telling me to buy American I’m gonna snap. Its called free trade and it makes each of our lives much, much better. I dont know about you but I’m glad I dont live in a nation that produces the worlds useless crap. I like breathing clean air and having an abundance of non-factory jobs available to me. If another place can do the same quality work for cheaper, then by golly they should be doing it. I dont know about you but I enjoy riding on my American designed, Chinese built 2007 Specialized singlespeed hardtail 26er. Get on my level or get outta my face.”

You Are Not a Real Mountain Biker really got some readers riled up. I had no idea people could be so sensitive to the word “poser”. Randy Collette was the first person to threaten me with physical violence. Congrats Randy. Stay classy my friend.

“Poser? I will beat the shit out of you.”

You’re Using the word “Epic” Too Much garnered a lot of great responses, but Jeff Snavely coined a new term describing my column that I’ve never heard before – “douche-a-palooza”. Nice.

“Maybe next week’s douche-a-palooza can be about the guys who spend half their day stopping to take pictures of the ride. Because after all, the whole point of the ride is having something to post on facebook when you get home. I don’t care of course, but I’m sure you’re running out of ideas to make yourself sound interesting.”

In Downieville Classic Sheriff’s Blotter, I paid tribute to the Mountain Messenger – the oldest weekly newspaper in California – and their hilarious police blotter. I left out one occurrence to protect my reputation, but EpicAndy was kind enough to remind everyone.

“Angry singlespeeder blows every other singlespeeder in attendance in a rare show of agreeability.”

To show how insensitive some readers can be, even when I wrote a eulogy to my dearly departed friend, Udo Heinz, after being killed by a bus while riding his bike, in The Sudden Loss of a Dear Friend, Rick V. decided a rather classless opinion was much more appropriate than a simple condolence.

“Sorry but riding on the road is Russian roulette. If you have kids ride dirt. If your value your life ride dirt. If you don’t care ride with 2 Ton missiles coming at you from behind with idiots driving them. All due respect but c’mon what’s it going to take to make everyone wake up?”

Continue reading for more on page 3.

About the author: Kurt Gensheimer

Kurt Gensheimer thinks the bicycle is man’s most perfect invention. He firmly believes ‘singlespeed’ is a compound word. He sometimes wears a disco ball helmet. He is also known as Genshammer. He is a Gemini and sleeps outside in a hammock.


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  • d.peper says:

    GREAT ARTICLE AGAIN! I have to admit that I read for the fun topics and the viewer posts:) I love the ASS and his angry followers.

  • Rod says:

    This comment sums up your column perfectly.

    “Dude, while i admire your knack for generating a large amount of click revenue, your rants are becoming painfully formulaic… Invent a situation with a character we all can hate… Come down righteously on the populist side of a topic garnered from countless biker forums across the web, Watch the hits as people tangle for the umpteenth time about strava, support your local bike shops, dont ride wet trails, spandex or baggies, pussy paths and trail braiding, etc. etc. please try to come up with something more original that hasnt been tossed around the bike forums for years.”

    This is also why I normally don’t bother reading it. Unfortunately, the title of this article lured me in. I was hoping it would be about events that happened in the cycling season, not your column. Oh well

  • rynoman03 says:

    I enjoy reading your articles ASS keep up the good work! Haters gonna hate!

  • Rick v. says:

    I know you can’t put across everything you want to achieve here, you should become the CEO of specialized so you can be a real ASS. Fake asses brae funny.

  • Rick v. says:

    Do the winners get a t-shirt. ??????

  • Rick v says:

    Wow you are a pussy. Lol

  • Kevin Woodward says:

    ASS column is my favorite content on MTBR and always an entertaining read. Comments are an added bonus, the icing on the cake! Can never figure out why some folks find it impossible to understand the concept of opinion. Keep up the good work Kurt!

  • granite_One says:

    ASS. keep writing. i am a huge fan have read every article. your writing style reminds me a lot of chuck palahniuk being that you write as it is and how it would be spoken by the people involved. no pretentious douchbagginess as the haters like to throw at ya. keep it up man, good or bad its entertaining always.

  • Tom says:

    I was just glad to learn of this new, hip term “hater”. So original. I’m hoping to see it used a lot more in 2014!

    It’s great to be able diminish any opinion that differs from your own by simply labeling the dissenter “hater”.

  • JB says:

    re-run column
    tl;dr

  • Tim says:

    You can’t just copy my comment that I spent several days writing and editing and use it to earn yourself some cash. I’m expecting a steady stream of royalties to start rolling in. I know you’re one of those fat cat Internet journalist billionaires so you best share the wealth, or at least throw me some sick mods for my 07 specialized hardtail single speed. You know how to find me, ill be trolling the deep web looking for my next meal ticket now that I’m one of the top haters of 2013.

  • Ben says:

    Happy new year. Can’t wait for the new material. Keep it up.

  • Rick says:

    Im all for the formula of a character we can all hate…. Dicky is very hate able …. But wait he has all of those great bearing grease faux shit ..crap. I love dicky… He has really shown me the greatness. You all suck damn I don’t know who to hate..

  • Julie says:

    Who wears arm warmers with a tank jersey? That would make a really weird tan line.

  • EpicAndy says:

    You’re welcome. Nice clipshow, ASS.

  • roger says:

    Attention whore, but I do agree strava sucks low hanging nuts!

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