The Angry Singlespeeder: A Look Back on the Best Haters of 2013

Opinion

Photo courtesy of Kitsbow.com

In Rocky Mountain High with Uncle Rico & Friends, I recapped my month-long road trip to Colorado and gave my opinions on the different cities I visited. I guess Bill McGee was really hurt that I didn’t like Boulder so much. It’s not that Boulder sucked, it’s that there were so many other towns that sucked so much less for mountain biking.

“Thanks also for your disparaging words about Boulder. You are correct that it’s terrible for mountain bikers, and all of your readers should stay away for sure. The ride you did is pretty much the dumbest mountain bike ride in the Front Range – the one we do when we need a change from the all-dirt all-singletrack stuff that surrounds the roadie silliness you undertook. It’s a ride for those Boulder roadies who want to take out their 29er hardtails they got because they wanted to complete their quivers. But yeah, Boulder is terrible for mountain biking. Especially Hall Ranch, Heil Ranch, Betasso Preserve and others – they are all awful and should be avoided.”

In My Very First Enduro™, I shared my experience racing at the Mammoth Kamikaze Games. Armed with only my 26” hardtail singlespeed, I needed a legitimate downhill bike if I was gonna have a prayer of surviving, let alone finishing. GT was kind enough to let me demo one of their bikes, so I gave my thoughts on the bike. But I guess Bob Stimson forgot that the name of the website I write for is Mountain Bike REVIEW.

“Wish you had written more about the race, the trails or your experiences and less about how uber awesome the bike was. Did you get compensated for mentioning GT a dozen times?”

Our “Environmental Impact” is a Joke really created a shitstorm of opinions. It was great discussion, but there were several people who were none too pleased by my sentiments. Although I appreciate Fuglio Pea’s suggestion for me to change my name, he needs to be a little more creative. RDA doesn’t roll off the tongue like ASS does.

“Angry Single speeder needs to changes his name to “Rambling Dumb-ass”.

Is Las Vegas the Best Interbke Can Do? yet again asks…well…is Las Vegas really the best Interbike can do? It’s a question that gets asked year in and out, yet nothing is ever done about it. Mark R. obviously doesn’t understand that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. He just thinks I’m in it for the money, because you know, there’s SO much money to be made being a columnist for a mountain bike website.

“What a lazy piece of writing. As you said, this subject has been beaten to death, you are not breaking new ground here, so why write it? Oh yeah, ‘cuz you’re getting exposure and getting paid – hmmm doing something just for the money and attention, sounds like you’d fit right in here in Vegas.”

Even when I say nice things about a place I get haters running me over the coals. In Park City – A Silver Town with Gold Singletrack, The Dickie Machine thinks I’m just a shill for corporate interest. He’s not entirely wrong, but come on man. A simian scribe? Ouch.

“What a lame ass puff piece. You’re just a shill for Utah, Scott, NICA and Redbull. Why don’t you try some constructive journalism. And nice job, you couldn’t even help out the guy with his flat. I guess it’s all about Numero Uno when it comes to you. Mark Twain is probably rolling over in his pit, having been referenced yet again by this simian scribe. A.S.S? Nah you’re the thingy on the other side.”

In Cyclocross – The Suck Science, I celebrated the pain and suffering of cyclocross. For once there were no haters of my writing, but there was a reference to herpes, which was a first. Nice work MP.

“Nice article and i’m sure that in southern Cali this could be fun but racing in mud and sand is just above “herpes” on my “fun” list.”

You’ve Got too Much Bike made the suggestion that you’ll build more skill and be a better rider if you learn on a rigid bike before full suspension. Although an overwhelming number of people agreed with me – including professional racers who I greatly respect due to their superior bike-handling skills – some people were irate at my suggestion. Matthew Parkes thought I was doing all of it for pure shock value. I don’t even think he realized he made a nice pun.

“The ASS’s articles are getting worse and worse. It seems he’s writing garbage just for pure shock value. Your theory that a beginner is better off on a rigid bike than full suspension bike is pure idiocy. Stop writing, please.”

In 5 Things I’m Thankful for this Thanksgiving, I pay homage to all the haters of the ASS. They didn’t fail to entertain, as EpicAndy so eloquently showed off his insecurities about people who live in Los Gatos and drive BMWs.

“Ooooh. How hip. Macklemore quotes. Stand back and let the ASS twerk.

Actually, your fan base in Los Gatos will likely enjoy that as long as you don’t lean your silly bike up against one of their super important BMWs.”

In Spreading Holiday Jeer, I ranted about how rampant consumerism in American culture has ruined a holiday that should be more about giving each other joy and happiness…especially if it involves riding a bicycle. The Dickie Machine jumped to quite a profound conclusion…at least to a mental midget it’s profound.

“I was right, you really do hate America!”

So there you have it. 2013 is in the books. Have a Happy New Year and stay angry my friends!


To view all of the ASS’s articles, click on his name below.
About the author: Kurt Gensheimer

Kurt Gensheimer thinks the bicycle is man’s most perfect invention. He firmly believes ‘singlespeed’ is a compound word. He sometimes wears a disco ball helmet. He is also known as Genshammer. He is a Gemini and sleeps outside in a hammock.


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  • d.peper says:

    GREAT ARTICLE AGAIN! I have to admit that I read for the fun topics and the viewer posts:) I love the ASS and his angry followers.

  • Rod says:

    This comment sums up your column perfectly.

    “Dude, while i admire your knack for generating a large amount of click revenue, your rants are becoming painfully formulaic… Invent a situation with a character we all can hate… Come down righteously on the populist side of a topic garnered from countless biker forums across the web, Watch the hits as people tangle for the umpteenth time about strava, support your local bike shops, dont ride wet trails, spandex or baggies, pussy paths and trail braiding, etc. etc. please try to come up with something more original that hasnt been tossed around the bike forums for years.”

    This is also why I normally don’t bother reading it. Unfortunately, the title of this article lured me in. I was hoping it would be about events that happened in the cycling season, not your column. Oh well

  • rynoman03 says:

    I enjoy reading your articles ASS keep up the good work! Haters gonna hate!

  • Rick v. says:

    I know you can’t put across everything you want to achieve here, you should become the CEO of specialized so you can be a real ASS. Fake asses brae funny.

  • Rick v. says:

    Do the winners get a t-shirt. ??????

  • Rick v says:

    Wow you are a pussy. Lol

  • Kevin Woodward says:

    ASS column is my favorite content on MTBR and always an entertaining read. Comments are an added bonus, the icing on the cake! Can never figure out why some folks find it impossible to understand the concept of opinion. Keep up the good work Kurt!

  • granite_One says:

    ASS. keep writing. i am a huge fan have read every article. your writing style reminds me a lot of chuck palahniuk being that you write as it is and how it would be spoken by the people involved. no pretentious douchbagginess as the haters like to throw at ya. keep it up man, good or bad its entertaining always.

  • Tom says:

    I was just glad to learn of this new, hip term “hater”. So original. I’m hoping to see it used a lot more in 2014!

    It’s great to be able diminish any opinion that differs from your own by simply labeling the dissenter “hater”.

  • JB says:

    re-run column
    tl;dr

  • Tim says:

    You can’t just copy my comment that I spent several days writing and editing and use it to earn yourself some cash. I’m expecting a steady stream of royalties to start rolling in. I know you’re one of those fat cat Internet journalist billionaires so you best share the wealth, or at least throw me some sick mods for my 07 specialized hardtail single speed. You know how to find me, ill be trolling the deep web looking for my next meal ticket now that I’m one of the top haters of 2013.

  • Ben says:

    Happy new year. Can’t wait for the new material. Keep it up.

  • Rick says:

    Im all for the formula of a character we can all hate…. Dicky is very hate able …. But wait he has all of those great bearing grease faux shit ..crap. I love dicky… He has really shown me the greatness. You all suck damn I don’t know who to hate..

  • Julie says:

    Who wears arm warmers with a tank jersey? That would make a really weird tan line.

  • EpicAndy says:

    You’re welcome. Nice clipshow, ASS.

  • roger says:

    Attention whore, but I do agree strava sucks low hanging nuts!

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