The Angry Singlespeeder at the Downieville Classic. Photo by Nathan Loyal.

Editor's Note: The Angry Singlespeeder is a collection of mercurial musings from contributing editor Kurt Gensheimer. In no way do his maniacal diatribes about all things bike oriented represent the opinions of Mtbr, RoadBikeReview, or any of their employees, contractors, janitorial staff, family members, household pets, or any other creature, living or dead. You can submit questions or comments to Kurt at singlespeeder@consumerreview.com. And make sure to check out Kurt's previous columns.

"Bear in mind the following is taken from the Sheriff's Office, rarely a champion of the accused. Readers will kindly remember their civics lessons: accusations of wrongdoing herein recorded are not necessarily related to reality. Furthermore keep in mind that our whole system of justice is based on the premise, however improbable, that the accused is innocent until PROVEN guilt to a jury's satisfaction. Or until the citizen, facing the virtually unlimited resources of government, takes stock and cops a plea." - The Mountain Messenger - California's Oldest Weekly Newspaper in Downieville, CA.

Thursday, August 1

  • Caller reports crazy German guy with beard, ponytail and deafening laugh by the name of Nico claiming he is German Polizei. Possibly deranged. Definitely insane.
  • Two disheveled and dirty men with shotguns and worn out hound dogs seen loitering around a Giant Bicycles trailer near Lure Resort on Hwy 49.
  • Elderly caller complains of a rowdy, rotten ruckus going on outside Yuba Expeditions. Suspects loud music, excessive drinking and the smoking of funny cigarettes by "those damn hippies".
  • Sierra City caller reports theft of gold prospector hood ornament from his 1979 Toyota 4x4.

  • Skunk reported stinking up a campsite. Breathe through your mouth.
  • Drunken man climbs fire tower in Downieville to ring the bell. Man falls and rings his own bell.
  • Out of towner cuts local Downieville resident in line ordering at La Cocina De Oro. Words were exchanged. Apologies were issued.
  • Caller brags of making homemade tire sealant out of oatmeal and mucus.

Friday, August 2

  • Driver stopped by Sheriff on Hwy 49 for doing 120 mph between Downieville and Sierra City in a rented GMC Acadia. Driver says he is German Polizei and claims he got km/h and mph confused.
  • Caller reports possible marijuana plants growing wild on the shoulder of Hwy 49. Plants confiscated and smoked by authorities to verify authenticity.

  • Caller reports eccentric man by the name of Jim stealing vintage wagon wheels from Sierra City restaurant. Man claims he is using the wheels to make a new bike called the 49er. Claims it will "change the industry", whatever that means. Definitely crazy.
  • Yuba Expeditions van loaded with lycra-clad humans blows a transmission while climbing Packer Saddle, causing a one car, two bear and three deer backup.

  • Caller complains of no toilet paper in Downieville public bathrooms. Had to use Mountain Messenger to clean up. Blames those blasted mountain bikers.
  • A small, bony man who raced around France in spandex was reported to be in Downieville.

  • Someone named McTubbin was seen violating his California Giant Strawberries contract by riding around with massive squash in jersey pocket.
  • Man heard cussing inside Grubstake Saloon. Words were exchanged. Apologies were issued.
  • Bear complains that mountain bikers eat too healthy. Campsite food not worth pillaging. Eats wild marijuana on Hwy 49 instead.

Saturday, August 3

  • Sierra City resident reports 11 possibly suicidal men roaming through town. Later reports reveal they were just idiots planning to race the Downieville Classic All-Mountain on singlespeed bicycles.
  • Ambulance called for mountain biker in cardiac arrest while climbing Sierra Buttes Road. Here's a clue, turn around.
  • Local river jump hero McLuvin seen doing a backflip into Yuba River. Emerges from water with gold nugget in teeth. A brawl ensues.
  • Caller reports crushed dreams after barely surviving Downieville Classic.
  • Concerned wife reports husband mountain biker overdue.
  • More cardiac arrest reported on Sierra Buttes Road.

  • A clapped-out mountain bike sat forgotten for three days in Sierra City. Reminiscent of a scene from "Toy Story".
  • Downieville caller complains of mountain biker running stop sign. Take a number.
  • Foghorn Leghorn seen giving out high fives on the climb to Third Divide.
  • Man threatens to dive from the top beam of the bridge in Downieville and break his neck. Again.
  • Caller reports freestyle biker jumps so high he lands on the roof of Grubstake Saloon. Mountain Rescue called to assist with extraction.

  • Caller reports man in St. Charles Place bar put his privates on the pool table. Cheaper than castration I guess, but far more painful.
  • Several callers report temporary blindness after being exposed to some poser wearing a disco ball on his head during the river jump contest.

Sunday, August 4

  • Windstorm reported on Lavezzola Creek Road. Further investigation reveals it was just some deranged singlespeed riders spinning at 200+ rpms.

  • Jagged rock slab on 1st Divide Trail claims 74 flat tires and two broken wheels. Laughs menacingly.
  • Female mountain bikers complain of slower men getting in their way while descending Third Divide trail.

  • Mountain biker restrained on Main Street after conniption fit from seeing Carl Decker win the All-Mountain race on a 27.5" mountain bike. Biker claims he was duped into thinking 29" bikes were the proverbial "pot of gold".
  • Mountain biker suffers unscheduled loss of talent on Butcher Ranch.

  • Tattooed man cited for excessively long sideburns.
  • Singlespeed mountain biker seen riding the All-Mountain category with a fully rigid mountain bike. Undeniably insane. Possibly suicidal.

  • Kid rides entire Downieville Downhill with blown tire and inner tube jammed into frame. Creates a 14-mile skidmark.
  • More unscheduled loss of talent on Butcher Ranch. Excessive cursing heard by indifferent wildlife.
  • Caller complains that his cell phone has no reception, preventing him from documenting a KOM, whatever that means. Must have called from a land line.

  • Mountain biker illegally parked causes four car backup and heckling from a bearded local wearing an orange hunting cap.
  • Downieville Classic founder Greg Williams heard saying the 2013 edition was the best one yet. Resounding agreement was voiced from bystanders.