The Angry Singlespeeder: Downieville Classic Sheriff’s Blotter

A police account of the hijinks that happened at this year’s Downieville Classic

Opinion
Saturday, August 3
  • Sierra City resident reports 11 possibly suicidal men roaming through town. Later reports reveal they were just idiots planning to race the Downieville Classic All-Mountain on singlespeed bicycles.
  • Ambulance called for mountain biker in cardiac arrest while climbing Sierra Buttes Road. Here’s a clue, turn around.
  • Local river jump hero McLuvin seen doing a backflip into Yuba River. Emerges from water with gold nugget in teeth. A brawl ensues.
  • Caller reports crushed dreams after barely surviving Downieville Classic.
  • Concerned wife reports husband mountain biker overdue.
  • More cardiac arrest reported on Sierra Buttes Road.

  • A clapped-out mountain bike sat forgotten for three days in Sierra City. Reminiscent of a scene from “Toy Story”.
  • Downieville caller complains of mountain biker running stop sign. Take a number.
  • Foghorn Leghorn seen giving out high fives on the climb to Third Divide.
  • Man threatens to dive from the top beam of the bridge in Downieville and break his neck. Again.
  • Caller reports freestyle biker jumps so high he lands on the roof of Grubstake Saloon. Mountain Rescue called to assist with extraction.

  • Caller reports man in St. Charles Place bar put his privates on the pool table. Cheaper than castration I guess, but far more painful.
  • Several callers report temporary blindness after being exposed to some poser wearing a disco ball on his head during the river jump contest.
Sunday, August 4
  • Windstorm reported on Lavezzola Creek Road. Further investigation reveals it was just some deranged singlespeed riders spinning at 200+ rpms.

  • Jagged rock slab on 1st Divide Trail claims 74 flat tires and two broken wheels. Laughs menacingly.
  • Female mountain bikers complain of slower men getting in their way while descending Third Divide trail.

  • Mountain biker restrained on Main Street after conniption fit from seeing Carl Decker win the All-Mountain race on a 27.5” mountain bike. Biker claims he was duped into thinking 29” bikes were the proverbial “pot of gold”.
  • Mountain biker suffers unscheduled loss of talent on Butcher Ranch.

  • Tattooed man cited for excessively long sideburns.
  • Singlespeed mountain biker seen riding the All-Mountain category with a fully rigid mountain bike. Undeniably insane. Possibly suicidal.

  • Kid rides entire Downieville Downhill with blown tire and inner tube jammed into frame. Creates a 14-mile skidmark.
  • More unscheduled loss of talent on Butcher Ranch. Excessive cursing heard by indifferent wildlife.
  • Caller complains that his cell phone has no reception, preventing him from documenting a KOM, whatever that means. Must have called from a land line.

  • Mountain biker illegally parked causes four car backup and heckling from a bearded local wearing an orange hunting cap.
  • Downieville Classic founder Greg Williams heard saying the 2013 edition was the best one yet. Resounding agreement was voiced from bystanders.

 


About the author: Kurt Gensheimer

Kurt Gensheimer thinks the bicycle is man’s most perfect invention. He firmly believes ‘singlespeed’ is a compound word. He sometimes wears a disco ball helmet. He is also known as Genshammer. He is a Gemini and sleeps outside in a hammock.


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